i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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