sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
