his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
