I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
