You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
