When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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