Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
