I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
