And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
