everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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