I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
