hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize