All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
