I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
