So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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