Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
