at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
