What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
