He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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