Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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