I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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