In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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