you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
