Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
