How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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