FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
