so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
