Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hippo gnu deer
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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