I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize