In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
