I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
