I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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