he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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