He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
