Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
