When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
