She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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