never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
