I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
BRING THE BAGELS
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
