if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Someone signed my nipple.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
