Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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