last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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