I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
