: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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