i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
