Swine flu. Run for my life!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
