i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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