i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
