Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he shaved USA in his pubs
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
