this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
