I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
