He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
