Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
