Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
