Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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