This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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